Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
