It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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