I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
