so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
3pm strippers are depressing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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