Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
