how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
