If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
