dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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