In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And then the night went full on bisexual.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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