just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
