just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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