ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
