we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
