that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
