if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
