My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
40s are totally the cure
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
