Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
