Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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