Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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