the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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