Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
