3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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