Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
