there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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