I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
