I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
