I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
