Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
