Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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