You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
