I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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