So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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