I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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