My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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