I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
