I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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