my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
