dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
