I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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