Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
