I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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