I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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