im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
