I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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