Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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