I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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