Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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