We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
