I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just cropdusted the office
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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