Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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