Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
