I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
