have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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