i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
