i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
