if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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